when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Happy Friday
When they try to steal your moment.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Nose
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans