The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know