When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.