i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
But wait…
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.