Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
It do be feeling this way.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.