I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You Might Also Like
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.