my astrological sign is a french fry
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
A roof is a house hat.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit