Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Seems legit
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey