I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.