Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?