Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
a lot to unpack here
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.