Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”