Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
crochet youtube is brutal
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once