Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Cndnsd Mlk
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle