I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities