There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My favorite female superhero
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Finished stitching this today 😇
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.