[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.