I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.