parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then