Hamburger Hinderer.
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
marvel comics have peaked
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.