My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
yeah no that’s fair