I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?