Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.