My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.