Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*