Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING