[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.