Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Perfect
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”