“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!