never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.