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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
When your man makes a valid point
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”