You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.