[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway