“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
How high do the levels go?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.