I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Going into Monday like
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”