I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Who knew!
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born