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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
okay run it by me one more time
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder