Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?