My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*