If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk