If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white