Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Put the is in disheveled
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?