If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*