This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]