Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.