Not all heroes wear capes…
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease