Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??