“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
This a good idea
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit