Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My work here is done
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.