Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating